before the hug.

I hug people I like.

This is generally a pleasant quality.

Unless, of course, you do not like being hugged.

I feel human connection through touch.

Not everyone does, though, and I respect that. So I approach people cautiously. I usually provide a fair warning:

“I’m going to give you a big hug next time I see you.”

But here’s the problem: would anyone actually answer, “No, thank you”?

Probably not.

We have created elaborate little social rules around touch. The acceptable handshake. A pat on the shoulder. A hug depends on the person, the relationship, the setting, the duration, perhaps the angle of approach, and possibly whether Mercury is in retrograde.

And yet a hug can say things that words sometimes struggle to say.

I’m happy to see you.

I missed you.

I’m here.

You matter to me.

But a hug only communicates warmth if the other person wants one. Otherwise, what I intend as affection can become an obligation.

So perhaps I need to change the sentence.

Not:

“I’m going to give you a hug.”

But:

“Are you a hugger?”

Four words. Much better.

The question leaves a little door open.

Yes, absolutely.

Sometimes.

Not really.

Nope.

All perfectly legitimate answers.

Maybe connection works that way more generally. We often assume that other people experience affection, comfort, closeness, and friendship the way we do.

But maybe they don’t.

Human connection may require something more than reaching toward another person.

It requires noticing how they reach back.

I’m still going to hug people.

Enthusiastically.

But I think I’ll ask first.

Because perhaps the best kind of connection begins not with:

“Here is how I show that I care.”

but with:

“How do you like to be cared for?”